Addicted to the Connection

You feel that connection as you’re having your very first conversation. It’s not just you feeling it, you can sense that they’re feeling it too. The feeling is amazing, it’s as if that connection has recharged some part of you that you’d forgotten existed.  You find yourself staying up all night texting or talking with them and the hours feel like minutes. They’re your first thought every morning and your last thought as you’re falling asleep. Like any addiction, you don’t realize you’re becoming addicted to them and if you’re lucky they don’t realize they’re becoming addicted to you too.

Strong connections can be risky. They open up that thing inside your head that keeps you from sharing your vulnerabilities, you become defenseless. Hopefully the person on the other end of the connection is equally defenseless or you should start preparing for what will feel like a slow, torturous death. Assuming you’re both completely unguarded, your connection can stay strong for days, weeks, months, or even years before the inevitable end.

Suddenly there’s a change, you can feel the connection fading. You start creating scenarios that flood your mind as you lay awake at night. You replay every conversation you’ve had, searching for clues. Maybe it was something you said, maybe they couldn’t detect the sarcasm in that text you sent them.  How can you fix this? There has to be a way to fix this!

Your heart believes this energy can only come from that one person. Your mind knows that’s not true, but your heart shuts down your brain and starts making all of your decisions. Confident people can become what others would consider desperate or pathetic, but that’s part of most addictions.  It’s not always them, sometimes it’s you. Maybe you lost interest in them without noticing, but they did notice. It could be another person in one of your lives that’s stealing that energy you once shared. Whatever the reason, it’s gone and it rarely comes back.  It takes time to realize that and hopefully when you do realize it, you’ll remember that next time.

Your deepest hope is that if there is a next time, that connection with this new amazing person never fades or disappears and becomes a lifelong addiction for both of you.

Letting My Thoughts Escape

I’m not a writer, to be honest I probably shouldn’t have even typed this first sentence. I’m just a person with a mind filled with thoughts that have been trying to escape because I refuse to share them with anyone.

It happens gradually. You’re completely unaware that your thoughts are multiplying until that moment they all start screaming. It’s not regular screaming, it’s more like hundreds of drunk and angry people who believe whatever they’re saying is more important than what the other drunk people are saying. It becomes impossible to sleep because that’s when they scream the loudest.

I can’t promise you’ll find any of my thoughts interesting or that my lack of writing skills won’t make you wish you would have read something else. If you’ve made it this far I appreciate the time you’ve invested and I apologize if you’ve wasted your time.

There are lots of thoughts just waiting to escape. The thought that screams the loudest will be the first thought to escape to its new home, right here.